BONUS

You get to hear from me twice tonight, (though it will show up as different days, cause it's late night)...

Just a quick note of sadness...I'm watching an episode of Oprah (why does my life revolve around TV shows late at night?) and these twin girls who couldnt speak when they were kids are on...and Clay Aiken has flown to Nebraska to surprise them with their trip to Chicago to meet Oprah for a show about "Amazing High School Seniors"...

So, the girls get there and we learn that it's not about "Amazing Seniors," it's about making their dreams come true! Seems the girls want to go to Baylor University in Texas. They went from being virtual mutes with their own invented language- think Nell combined with Holly Hunter in THE PIANO- to being at the top of their class. Yeah! Great! The deserve something really great, right?

Well, it turns out Daddy has been unemployed for 12 out of 24 years because his contract ends or the company goes bankrupt or some other stupid excuse for laziness. If you have 12 years of unemployment, time for a career change! Anyway, in order to pay for the tuition, Daddy needs to sell the house. Boo! Sad!

So, we find out that their older brother and sister have been saving money for the tuition and they present the twins with a check for 10 Grand. Must be nice. That bitch Oprah looks at them and goes- "Well, that's great, but we all know that it costs more than that to pay for four years of school, so keep saving!" I'm thinking- you evil cunt with a good perm! Praise the selflessness of the siblings here! Give them something for being so fucking nice!

Then Ty from "Extreme Home Makeover" comes on and gives them furnished dorm rooms. Well, that would be nice if they could actually afford to go to school!

Fast forward after the commercial break- TADA!!! School- tuition, room and board and books and whatever else- are all paid for. SHOCK! Thanks, Oprah. But older brother and sister with no money in the bank for school for themselves let alone anything else get shit on again! Oh wait, no- everyone in the family gets a free cell phone to keep in touch with the girls.

I wonder if older brother and sister wish that the twins were still mute...

Let your body move to the music..

Say what you want bitches, I subscribe to VOGUE and I am proud of it! The September issue (which was probably available two weeks ago on the stands) arrived today. I took up all of the space on my mailbox because it is (an exact count) 802 pages thick- most of those pages being ads. I felt a little bad for the post-person (love the pc?) who had to haul this thing. Funny, VOGUE is known as the fashion Bible...it's nearly as long as it!

So, I'm flipping through, wondering why Sarah Jessica Parker "Life After Sex and the City" is on the cover of such an important issue- I mean the show was canceled two seasons ago....shouldnt this article have come a bit sooner? And fall fashion is a cause for celebration amongst those in-the-know...but, I digress, SJP is seen as an icon to some, so I'll let them have it for September. At least Madonna was on the cover of August, her birthday month...thankfully, someone is paying attention...

Anyway, I'm looking at ads for clothes that aren't made for me (yet, clothes that I could fit into better than some of the women wearing them)- I'm just saying- and there it is- hidden within the pages of ads for D&G and Prada and St. John and Escada is an ad for....GAP DENIM! What???? Is this real? Yes, sadly, it is...And worse- there is a little pull-out booklet with the latest TV ad campaign featuring musicians talking about their favourite songs and favourite fit of Gap jeans (hi Alanis). Can you imagine Dontatella opening her advanced copy and seeing this preceed her ad? Neither could she! But sadly, it's happened...I guarantee you that SJP had something to do with this...Damn her and Lenny Kravitz and their catchy-tuned/rubber-legged dancing commercial! And damn Anna Wintour for allowing this. I'm so dissapointed! The Devil might wear Prada (as the book 'supposedly' says) but she certainly doesnt wear anything from the Gap!

Desperado

Just a quick thought- Can anyone actually imagine having sex with "Ross the Intern" from the Tonight Show?...Didn't think so...

The New Jan Brady??

That bitch is at it again...Hilary Duff, of course...In an ad for tonight's Leno, I see Howie Mandell looking bald and hot...and Hilary standing there with her band wearing a black bobbed- wig...Hilary, you're not starring in the sequel to "Amelie" And besides, the only person who can realistically pull off a wig is Cher and she's sold her soul to Weight Watchers so where does that leave us? You've got a long way to go, baby. Oh, and watching the program* not only does the wig look bad and wrong, but the outfit is like a tank top and a skirt and wrap...she looks like a grandmother and she's SOO fucking lip synching and people just dont get it. When someone sings with a mic directly in from of/over their mouth, they're trying to fool you. But, no! They are still dancing and waving their hands and the little girls are 17 year old fags are just loving it. Why? ...Hilary, lose the wig, learn the words to your songs- pal around with little Ashlee Simpson for a few days and she can instruct you on the lip synching techniques...Oh, and by the way- I still hate you.

* yes, after watching the show, i re-edited this post

The Farewell Tour?

What is happening to my world? I'm watching my Today Show today (haha) and all of a sudden, I hear Cher's voice begin bellowing- "When you're standing on the edge of nowhere, there's only one way up...so your hearts gotta go there..." (Which is, of course, the first line in "Song For The Lonely" from the "Living Proof" cd which was the last cd put out before the "Farewell Tour" which toured for nearly three years...duh).

Anyway, I was in the kitchen when I heard the song and I thought- oh, great, the tour DVD is out. Now that I hear it on TV, it will probably be in Rite-Aid in the "As Seen On TV" section...So I go back to the living room to see the details and to my surprise, its an ad for Weight Watchers....

Weight Watchers? Cher hasn't eaten in two decades and I hardly think that "A Song For the Lonely" is an appropriate choice for an ad for people trying to lose weight. Are all overweight people lonely? Is Weight Watchers the "one way up"? Not only does your "heart gotta go there" but so does your fat ass...

The song later says- "Can you hear this prayer, cause there's someone there for you...It's gonna be alright!"...So, Weight Watchers is the answer to fat people's prayers? Weight Watchers is there (if you pay for them to be there) for you...And after you pay your weekly dues at your weekly weigh-in and purchase all of the "Point" books and prepackaged meals, the former Mrs. Bono is right- "It's gonna be alright"!!!

Cher, what are you doing? Are you that desperate for cash that you'll sell the rights to your song for a mediocre ad? That tour took you everywhere around the world- London, Lisbon, Lima, L.A., Las Vegas, Little Rock, Lincoln, Lancaster, PA and several birthday parties, retirement homes, family reunions and bar mitzvahs....You certainly have nothing to worry about in the finance department...

My question though- if W.W. really wanted to use a Cher song and wanted to make the ad more appropriate and really get the fatties by the neck (or chins), shouldn't they have used "If I Could Turn Back Time?"

Oh Hilary, why do you make me hate you?

Each morning, I like to watch the Today Show as I go about starting my day. Usually on Fridays they have the Summer Concert Series...usually it's someone decent- the cast of a Broadway show or Michael Buble or LeAnn Rimes, etc.- or at least someone I can tolerate- i.e. Amy Grant....But yesterday, imagine my horror when I had to wake up to my nemesis- that's right- HILARY DUFF!

Before the "show," as they cut to commercial, we get a shot of Hilary coming out of the NBC building and doing that annoying, condescending wave to people...cut back from commercial and the music starts pumping and little girls from 5-15 are in heaven- screaming and clapping and Hilary is loving it as she walks on to make her entrance...Now, I earlier this summer, I had a mini-stroke when I learned that Madonna, my one true love, is producing a movie that Hilary and her equally disdainful sister Haley are going to star in and they plan to cover "Material Girl". But on the Today Show, Hilary took it too far- wearing an imitation 1985 Madonna-esque outfit- a ripped denim skirt, a sensible top that had been cut and pinned with a fabric flower, and knee-high boots (that I actually liked)...

Anyway, Hilary launches into her song "Wake Up" which I have to say, lyrically, doesn't make sense- "Wake up, wake up on a Saturday night". What?? Shouldn't you have woken up on Saturday morning? What did you do all day Saturday that you're just waking on on Saturday night? Spend the day in bed recovering from Friday night's coke binge? Of course she wants you to think that she spent all Fiday night playing Monopoly with her family or was at a Lock-In for her church youth group. But Hilary, I know the Olsen twins so I know better! What kind of message are you sending to our youth- that drugs are 'cool'? That being lazy and sleeping your days away is acceptable?! Shame on you! The wool has not been pulled over these eyes!

And shame on the man who the camera panned to (that I can't find a picture of, but I would pay money to someone if they had one). Most of the adults in the audience were there with their kids. The kids are singing and dancing while Hilary preaches on and the parents nod their heads a little bit or wave to the camera or whatever. But the camera gets a shot of a guy- mid 40's, wearing a suit, dancing with one arm in the air, eyes closed in ecstacy and singing word for word- and there is no one around him. He's not there with his kids. He's called into work and told them that his train is late or he's stuck in traffic...or better yet, he's taken a half day to "go to the dentist". He probably figured that a half day would allow him enough time to take in Hilary's vocal stylings and kidnap her, take her home and tie her up in his mother's basement in Ozone Park, and make it back to Manhattan by 1, 1:30 at the latest. I hope he made it...

I'm not sure if it's creepier that he was there or that the camera singled him out...Either way, I hate you Hilary.

The Good, The Bad and The Elderly

Because I have a longing to keep in touch with the general public, to stay real, so to speak, I spend my time in between projects waiting tables. I wont say where because I dont need another stalker, but let's just say were not talking white table cloth...were hardly talking tables- when I say real, I mean fucking Jenny-from-the-Block real!

Anyway, so an exciting story from today...I had two old cunts who I knew were going to be a problem when I saw that they were wearing costume jewlery, stretch pants and scowls. Better yet, they were mother and daughter which means that the older one taught the old one how to be a bitch. It was like a Double Mint commercial from 1910.

He'res how it went:

Old Cunt 1- "Is this meal for two people?"
ME- "Well, not really. It's for one person, but its large. If you're not that hungry though, the two of you could split it. And if you're still hungry, you can get a dessert"
OC1- "Well, I guess we can try it and see. If we're still hungry, we'll get desser."
ME- "Yeah, thats what I just said."
OC2- "We'll do that."
ME- "She just said that..."

Fast forward to these women tearing into steak and chicken like vultures. NOTE- I notice that they both have ample portions on the plates that have been given to them to split the meal.

ME- "Ladies, how is everything?"
OC1 "Well...(hesitates as though the end of the world is two seconds away and she has to think of her first words to the Lord) It would have been nice if it was on two plates." (Scowls, nods at Old Cunt 2 who shakes her head at me in agreement)
ME- "Oh, well I'm sorry about that"
OC1- "It would have been nice..." ( attempts to brush me off)
ME- "Well, I told you it was a meal for one person so it comes on one plate because two plates for one person doesnt really make sense, does it? No. However, I see that you must have asked someone for another plate since you have two on the table now and seem to have managed to figure out how to split it up on your own without too much trouble so I don't really see what the problem is. It looks like you're doing just fine to me. ('So, unless you want me to shove the rest down your saggy turkey-necked gullet, shut the fuck up!' what I wanted to say) Enjoy, I'll check back" (which I didn't)

And because I was irritated by the sense of entitlement that this woman seemed to have because she was 300 years old and was probably tired of having to portion things for her 1000 year old mother, I made sure to pat her shoulder and speak REALLY LOUDLY and look into her eyes as though she was a retarded child (which normally annoys me when people treat the elderly like that)...I hope her kids put her in a good nursing home...

Baby Girl?

Just a question-

Why is it that some women just don't get it? What is it that makes a woman who is 5'0" and weighs 160lbs. decide that it's ok to wear a skin-tight T-shirt, that doesn't quite cover all of the stomach and cuts off the circulation in the upper arms that reads "BABY GIRL" or "DIVA" or "PRINCESS"?

I have plenty of friends who aren't tiny girls; plenty who even fit the above measurements. They have plenty of clothes that make them look great and even *gulp* sexy! These are women who know their bodies and know what looks good, what flatters their shape and what is just plain garbage. They don't walk around with a gut hanging out from underneath a v-neck tank that has letters stretched across the chest reading "HOT". They wear shirts that draw attention to their ample cleavage not their huge, dimpled stomachs.

Do the "BABY GIRLS" of the world not have someone to tell them, "Um, mami, why don't you put a sweater on over that"? or "Baby, you're 36 now, you're not a girl anymore".

No wonder there are so many fags in the world! Then again, these are the girls who tend to hang with the fags of the world...I guess the question becomes- have the queens lost their minds? No self respecting gay man would be seen with a girl wearing a shirt that reads "SEXY"...he would be wearing it!

New Name, Same Game

After two years of nothing, it's time, I've decided to begin this again. Because I suck, and haven't updated anything at all and lost my password, etc. I had to choose a new name for the address...Whatever...Soon, hopefully, this will be linked from my webpage that I have yet to begin to construct. Be patient. You're lucky you got this much...

Watching Leno this evening, I paused to ask myself the age-old question- what happened to Avril Lavigne? Who is this short woman-child with the bleached, curly locks and no black eye liner wearing Seven jeans and a cute camisole bobbing along to the beat of a song that should have been sung by Britney or Jessica or Aaron Carter and what has she done with my wife-beater and dog collar wearing goth/punk with black nail polish, split ends and angst? What has Hollywood done to this Canadian wonder child? She was a "sk8er", boi, they said- see you later, boi! We've seen it too many times- Pamela Anderson, Alanis Morrisette and former flame Dave "Joey" Coulier...they hit it big and that charm that we loved disapears- no more brunettes, no more green slime with Alaster, no more "cut it out!"...Goodbye cheap videos with go carts and pushing things and unknown friends making cameos; Hello TrimSpa, Manolos and hanging out with Kelly Osbourne...

Avril, why'd you have to go and make things so complicated???

ps- Can you open your mouth a little wider when you sing? You kind of look like a squirrel being electrocuted when you jump up and down and smile through that slit of a mouth, glaring at me with those beady eyes that seem to wander and never quite find their focus....