The Bitch is Back...

Saturday night, I saw Sir Elton in concert at MSG and it was incredible. Good times! He played for three and a half hours. The best part is that he outlined the whole show- he said- we're going to start with some new stuff from my newest album so bear with us...After that we'll do Captain Fantastic and then we'll hit the jukebox...and he made good on his word. Amazing and simple at the same time. A band, some backup singers from Atlanta and Elton singing and playing away....
My problem was the the stage was set to be simple but the lighting in the background was absurd- "ELTON" written in glittering red letters...a crocodile who's mouth swung back and forth...the word BITCH jumping on the screen...and horrible twinkling lights. Elton should have either consulted someone to create a better 'less is more' atmosphere or abandoned the background all together. It was unnecessary...

As unnecessary as that fucking earring that he still dangles from his right ear...Maybe in '72 it was a secret statement that those 'in the know' could clue into...but right now, we all know what it means. It's ugly and tacky and I expect more from you Elton! If your'e going to wear an earring, at least get a hot one, not some stupid cross that sways 'like a candle in the wind'...

The Ballad of Renee Z

Poor Renee Zellweger...she thought she'd found her prince charming in a charming country-singing prince...and now it's over...rumours circulating that Mr. Chesney was quite fond of cock...others saying he was stepping into her career ala Marc Anthony and trying to control every aspect of her life. Either way, the marriage is over and is now in the process of being annulled.

Now, don't get me wrong, R.Z. is not on my hit list. I'm not fond of her mushed up face, her disappearing/reappearing Texas accent and her constant weight battles (for roles or not). I think she took a cue from Britney and decided that she'd give marraige a go with someone who had a slight fascination with her- after all, Kenny says he wrote his hit 'You Had Me at Hello' after seeing her in Jerry Maguire...Renee, why wasn't this clue enough to run in the other direction. When someone you don't know is writing songs about you and asks you to marry him onle a week or so after you finally meet him, what do you do? Well, you can either run to St. Barts and get married or you can say "Back the fuck up! The songs are too much and you need to take that cowboy hat off everyone once and awhile so I know that its not permanently attatched to your head. Now, take me out to dinner and ask me what my middle name is!"

What did Renee do? Yup, she took the road less travelled and boy did she get a flat tire! And her fix-a-flat? Yup- Jack White, her old flame who recently got married himself....Word on the street is that the new Mrs. White (not Meg) is none to thrilled that her husbands former piece is crying on his shoulder....Renee- just let Jack start sticking it to you. He seems like a much more stable choice- what, with the Loretta Lynn obsession and the lies that he and Meg spew about their relationship. Maybe he can get all of his marriages- real and fake- annulled and you can live happily ever after in your Long Island escape, listening to bluegrass with not a 'Chesney'-tree planted in the yard...

Ah, life...

Yo-Yo Mama

I've come to two interesting conclusions. After my show last night, I had a few drinks at Phoebe's in the East Village. Fine bar, good drinks, hot men, sexy ladies, good times...It's funny standing on the outside of something and watching it take place.

As I watched these co-eds raising their Bud Lights and rum and Cokes in the air and dancing to "My Perrogative," it made me feel extremely old. I felt like I was in college again. All these kids were 20-somethings, most probably my age or very near to it. But I felt like I was an old man watching them. I never bought into the typical college life style, even when I was in college. The idea of going to a crowded bar where I could hardly move and it took 20 minutes to get a drink never appealed to me. The thought of watching stupid jock guys try to take advantage of drunk girls who were holding each other up sickened me. Not that I felt above it, I just knew it wasn't for me. Not that it's not amusing from time to time to witness, but being outside of it is so much more rewarding than being in the middle of it.

My point is this- the conclusions I've drawn are this-
1. Girls are extremely stupid. They get drunk and cry about their boyfriends and try to get each other mad at each other- "She told me that she saw him talking to her and then she started talking to him! Can you believe it? She's supposed to be my best friend and she talked to my boyfriend?!" Ugh, no thanks.

2. There is nothing funnier than watching an skinny Asian guy with no rhythm trying to grind on a drunk white girl. She might appease him for the evening but she's not going home with him- even if he has a BMW.

American Addict?

As a typical All-American homo, I enjoy my E! True Hollywood Stories...this morning, whilst catching up on some email and such, I tuned into the Paul Abdul story...As much as it frightened me, it entertained me SO much. Watching Paula not stare into the camera and twitch and stick her tongue out, I realized that I didn't understand a word coming out of her mouth...they were words but they didn't formulate correct sentences...She was breathing heavy and twitching and laughing at her own words and it hit me- she is addicted to something- probably diet pills- she is a dancer, afterall. Her face begins to droop and you think she's going to pass out and then she sort of jumps to life and has tons of energy only to crash again.

Paula has a career that has gone on so many tangents but I wonder why she never released another album. Her first was packed with hits that were played at roller skating rinks and junior high school dances throughout the country, if not the world. "Shut Up and Dance" ranks up there in greatest growing up memories. When "Promise of a New Day" and "Rush" hit, Paula disappeared off the Earth. I guess she went back to choreographing or something.

Then American Idol hit and Paula was back- thinner, nicer and crazier than ever- The black sheep of the judging family. And I loved it. It's time that those girls- Debbie/Deborah and Tiffany and Paula come back. No more touring malls, put out a new single! Funny how all three of them had a hot first album, a decent second and the third just hit the fan...We know that Debbie became Deborah and did Broadway and still acts here and there and hits the fag bars of New York now and again. Tiffany became a mother and posed for Playboy and did a VH1 reality bit....

But only Paula made it back into the real spotlight (her botched manicure infection helped a little too). She's here to stay. And I say- if those diet pills get you through the day and get you even younger contestants to sleep with, then keep on keepin' on, you Cold Hearted Snake!

The Man in the Mirror

SO, it seems that Michael Jackson is so moved and sickened by the Hurricane Katrina disaster that he is writing a song and donating all the proceeds to the victims...Poor Michael...$23 won't go very far, even in Mississippi. Trust me, I know this...

In any case, I find it funny that Michael thinks that he will be able to enlist other artists to join him. Don't get me wrong, I think the intention is great and probably is indeed heartfelt and sincere. However, based on Mr. Jackson's recent track record, I can't think of many people who would be willing to attach their name to anything his is latched on to...Well, maybe one of the brothers-Gibb would...but in anycase, I don't think I am alone in thinking that Michael Jackson's star has been fading for years but he just doesn't realize it. His album "Invincible" hardly sold at all and the fact that he released another "Essential-type" album this year seemed to have escaped most of his fans attention outside of Europe and Asia. Given that and that nasty trial, what makes him think that anyone is gonna want to snatch up anything he puts out?

Maybe he can get Bobby Brown and Dionne Warwick to join him on this collaboration. They'd probably be able to raise at least a few hundred dollars, combined- thanks to Bobby's reality-tv-driven restarted fan base. And Dionne is a Brown relative-through-marraige and supposed supplier of the weed Whitney got caught with in Hawaii. Plus I'm sure she has plenty of free time to give so she'd be easy to enlist...But, if he was really smart, MJ would just leave the entertaining and money-making up to Janet. She's hot and not creepy and knows how to get decent publicity....and she only pulls down her own clothes.

Backstreet's Back, ALRIGHT!

Remember that song? Ha...I'll get back to that in a minute...

Sorry for the lapse in updates...I've been overbooked with my show ANATHEMAVILLE and my work schedule. Then Hurricane Katrina hit and I spent days with the show and work, calling back and forth to my brother who lives in Gulf Port, MS (who is safe and OK and who's apartment only suffered mild damage). And now, here I am...time to get back to humour and sarcasm. Life goes on!

So, this entry is an ode to my college hag, Missy...A was discussing fag hags with a friend the other day and we both came to the conclusion that any hag in her mid 20's was most likely a Backstreet Boys groupie- full out, though. My hag Missy made friends in chat rooms and the boys, met them in a bar in Pittsburgh, traded stories with other gals who shared the insane obsession. These girls who spent their weekends with fags who took them to gay bars as the designated driver, only to leave them when they met their Saturday night hook-up, to drive home alone, dreaming of the day when their fag would see the light and decide that he was straight and would wisk her off to San Francisco..."It's ok if you sleep with men from time to time, just love me..." I guess that in a way, one can relate this to the obsessions gay men carry from generation to generation- Judy, Cher, Madonna, Britney/Christina...who will be the next torch bearer?

I guess the difference is that gay men don't want to marry Madonna, they want to be her. They don't want to impregnate Britney, they want to shop for baby clothes with her. They don't want to get dirrty with Xtina, they want to get a manicure with her and manhunt over cocktails at XL...

I am happy to report though, that my dear hag Missy didnt stay stuck in the Boy-Band pergatory...she lost tons of weight (as we all know, any good hag is overweight) and is dating a hot Israeli basketball player. She has a great job, is happy, has great friends and men who stare at her all the time and has remained as loyal to her favourite fag as ever..You deserve it, Missy!

Martha says- It's a very good thing!

PAUSE

Just to keep you all updated- all three of you- please hold on until Monday when you'll get more witty insight from me. I'm exhausted from my show- more on that Monday, I have a lot on my mind- more on that too, and one of my best friends from home is here with me for the weekend. So, please stand by. In the meantime, donate to the Red Cross!