When 2 Become 1....

Quien es esta nina?


Ashlee Simpson

It's been reported that Ashlee Simpson had a nose job. Duh...all these people with their 'bad sinuses'...

But what hasn't been reported is that Drew Barrymore called she wants her face back...


Drew Barrymore

Though I like the look, Ash, and the hot new nose, I think I liked you better 'when you were...invisible'...

I'm...Coming...

So...Lance Bass is gay, huh?

Duh.

I've said this for years..back in the day when N*SYNC was 'tearing up my heart'- and the hearts of all of my hags, I knew that someone was tearing up Lance's ass...(I've heard he's quite the power bottom). He was always my favourite...And, I always found him attractive- crossed eyes and all...In fact, my hag Missy made me tons of mixed CD's called "Lovin Me Some Lance, Vol 2" and my favourite "Lance Goes to Space"...

Really, it didn't take a genius...anyone who sings in such a deep, manly voice must be hiding something...And if you've heard this queen talk, you know it was an act...I think they were like- "Oh, your last name is Bass? That's too perfect. I know exactly where we can use you..."

I mean, the highlights, the eye rolls when asked about girls, the highlights....Can you image when the band was on tour and they were horny 18 year olds in a hotel...J.T and the gang were like- "Hey, Bass, we're going down to the pool. There are some chicks there that waited for us by the bus after the show..." And Lance is all "Um...I'm tired. I think I'm just going to stay here and read awhile...I have a little headache..." and they're like "Whatever, fag. Suit yourself" Only, they didn't mean fag as in 'fag'...they were just teasing...until the one day when Fat Ass Fatone walks in and is like "Hey, I forgot my swimming cap...Hey, dude, why are you crying?" And Lance spills it- 'sticks and stones' and all,  but is like- 'Please, PLEASE dont tell the other guys...I don't want them to think I'm into them or that I'm going to touch them in the hotel or think about them when I jack off....I only told you because you always have spaghetti sauce dribbles on your shirt and you smell like garlic and I wouldn't give you a double look if I were having a seizure. In other words, you're a safe bet."and Fatone was like- "Dude, it's totally cool. I don't care. I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to". And they hugged. And Lance cried a little bit more..But then the next morning, on the bus, everyone is really quiet and not really talking and finally the other fat, uglier one with the turd-like dreads- Chris Kirkpatrick, I believe- looks at Lance and is like- "So, you're a homo, huh?" and Lance shoots Fatone the look of death and pulls his eye mask back on and is like- "Look, bitch, I don't want to talk about this right now!"...at least, that's how I heard it...

So, Lance, Bravo. Welcome....

Now, would you fucking do something, so we can have something real to talk about? At the end of the day, no one cares that you're gay because no one remembers who you are...

And by "do something," I don't mean make a cameo on Kathy Griffin's show...and "Celebrity Poker Showdown" doesn't count...

Really, you haven't done shit since N*SYNC...

Food for Thought- in the above picture- taken for a story unrelated to the coming-out story, Mr. Bass has on a U.S. Army t-shirt and there is a guy in his underwear in the background...how is this breaking news?

Wham! Time to Go-Go...

Ok, I'm as sad as everyone else is...George Michael's wedding is off!
George and his partner Kenny Goss (a Texan, I believe) have been together 10 years and planned to get married next month. Now, it's well known that the two have an open relationship. I saw the E! True Hollywood story. And whatever, it's not my relationship. Would I put up with it? Fuck no. But, whatever. All of the rules and boundaries that one sets up for a successful open relationship are thrown aside when your partner fucks this:



Yeah. That. Maybe he threatned to steal George's lucky charms. I don't know, I wasn't there.....but I do love the 'leg up' pose. This troll is owning it so you've got to give him that. Please, if George Michael gave me a hand job in the bushes, I'd have both legs up like that

Let's be honest. George Michael- hot. Or, at least was hot during his "I Want Your Sex" days...He's aged. He's had some problems with the law, with sex, with drugs, whatnot. He's an aging gay rock star.  He hasn't performed a concert in 15 years and he's got Elton John dogging him constantly. Frankly, I'm surprised he's still alive.

But George, really, this guy? Times are not that hard. Certainly, Mr. Goss is a looker. I've seen him. But you want to spice it up a little bit? Go outside of the lines? I mean, after all, you were quoted on the topic of your marriage as saying:
"Gay relationships are a bit different. I'm sure we'll be allowed to roam if we want to. But we love each other dearly."

Gay relationships are different because you make them different. When you say that you want equal rights, that your relationship is as valid as a straight relationship, that you are being subjected to second class citizenship, etc, you need to prove it! You can't claim that you've got the same rights as anyone and then bend the rules because 'gay relationships are different'. In the same regard, straight people bend the rules and disagree with gay marriage because "gay relationships are different". The difference Mr. Michael is pointing out is the very reason that gay marriage is such an issue that it really shouldn't be. Because it becomes a joke. Look, in my book, a slut is a slut is a slut. Colour, creed, race, orientation don't matter.

Granted, there are many arrangements- gay and straight- that are set up for convinience- tax purposes, children, etc.
And I suppose that there are open relationships on both end of the spectrum that somehow work for the parties involved...I'm not judging the relationship- who am I to if it works? I'm judging the irresponsibility of the statment.

You know, in my opinion, if you are so in love and want to get married, then you need to suck it up like anyone else and suffer the misery along with the good times. You need to go to bed with the same person everynight. Sometimes you want to fuck them, sometimes you want to cut them. It's life. It's marriage. It's genius...

George, you're setting us back! Especially with that troll. At the end of the day, if you want to cheat, be my guest. If Kenny Goss is ok with that, then best wishes to you. If it works for you, then whatever. But, honey, there are plenty of internet hookup sites where you can at least prescreen the clientele...

Do yourself a favour- no photo, no reply!

That's Right!

Thanks to the good folks at Apple, my laptop is back and better than ever! I sent it back to them (on their dime, I might add, because I'm not getting schtupped for the bill on a problem that is well documented on this model) on Thursday afternoon of last week and I got up this morning (Monday) and FedEx arrived at 9.30 with it. And they didn't erase my harddrive, though I spent a ton to get it backed up just in case before I sent it out....in anycase, thank you Apple!

Anyway, included in the things that I got back, were pictures from my trip to Europe. Above, a picture with two German bitches. They can't get enough of me...

But, onto more serious and interesting topics...

So the Middle East is a mess right now- fighting, death, blame, etc....All, I can say is- thank G-d for Condi Rice. Without her, where would we be? She swooped into Lebanon yesterday and shook a few hands with a few flags on the table and set down her ground rules, laid down the law and she's not gonna be happy until she gets exactly what she asks for. Well, when an unvieled, westernized black woman tells the leader of an Islamic country thats being taken over by an extremist rebel terror group what to do, chances are, he's gonna listen. All those years of leaving women behind are suddenly erased with the arrival of the ebony goddess from America, land of understanding and compassion...

Where was Condi to boss around those fucking troops when they were abusing Iraqi "prisoners" and putting leashes on them? Why isn't Condi spreading cheer and boosting morale to the troops that are giving their lives for a pointless war that her administration continues to defend?  Fuck her goodwill-tour attempt to stop this recent war. Why not goodwill-it-up for the one that's already going on? It all ends up being a spill-over anyway...You want to change public image of the Bush administration? Then fucking do something to boost your image rather than tell me that freedom and democracy are on the march. Show your face(s). If you all believe so much in what you're fighting for, then show me. Get out there and get your hands dirty. I'll respect you and your decisions a lot more than I do now, as you're finding anything else in anywhere else to hide behind.

I come from a military family and my brother was in Iraq last year. Let me tell you, nothing makes more of a difference than the person who you take orders from coming to tell you that you're appreciated, that you're making a difference...Whether you agree with the war or not, there are troops to support who are carrying out orders that they might not understand or think are right, but they're doing their job. And so many of them are being used. Aren't we all in some capacity?

Condi, send me a post card from your trip...I'm dying to hear about the countless differences you've made. You've got a place in history and when this conflict is resolved, trust me, I'll know who to thank. In the meantime, make the most of your Airforce II lay-over in Tikrit- I know you're a little sour over the fact that G.W. wouldn't give you A.F. 1. I'd be pissed too...

Ain't no other Sexy Affair...

Back again...

Summer means hot new music. My laptop is at Apple right now being repaired- on their dime, I might add- and as soon as it gets back to me, I will be able to download and save music again. This old standby will download but their is no burner and the bootlegged OSX doesn't recognize my ipod so in the end, there's no point...

Anyway, these are the three songs stuck in my head that I don't own yet but that I'm a little crazy about-

Christina Aguilera- Ain't No Other Man: OBSESSED. I love it. I love the jazz beat. I love the video (except for the one really bad wig in it) I love the lyrics. I just love it. Catchy, light, fun and sweet. Xtina doing what she does best. Back to Basics is right, bitch! I find myself shaking my shoulders too often. In public. To the beat. When there's no music playing...

Justin Timberlake- Sexy-Back: Ok, I'm not a big JT fan. I find him tedious and cocky- see previous postings- but, I love this song. I like that it doesn't sound like him and that nasty falcetto screech that we've come to expect. I feel like maybe Cher was an influence for the vocals, which gives him a few points in my book. The bass is hot and it's a perfect song to fuck to. So I've heard....

Jessica SImpson- Public Affair: I don't really know what a public affair is or why it merits a song, but this song reminds me of early Madonna. It's catchy and fun. The video is way too over sexed and I wonder if Joe Simpson directed it. Ms. Simpson licking the bowling guy's face is a little much for me, especially because it happens more than once. My only promblem is my usual problem with Jessica- her voice whispers so much that I can't make out the lyrics. I swore that she said "all the camels come out for a public affair"...I thought maybe she was joking about the camel-toe that popped up in photos awhile back. Nope, its 'camera' not 'camels'. Sadly.

Anyone have any recommendations for anything new? Check out Corinne Bailer Rae 'Put Your Records On'...its climbing its way into my heart....

In the meantime, don't bother with Fergie's solo attempt- London Bridge. It's fucking stupid. So fucking stupid....

Girls Say, Boys Say...

It's been brought to my attention that I have a new reader. Shalom. Hola. Bienvenue. Welcome. I hope you enjoy. Tell a friend...or several...or just don't abandon me...

The question everyone is asking lately- where is baby Suri Holmes-Cruise?
The answer- who fucking cares?

Seriously- with those whack-job parents, this baby is better off locked into that massive Scientology castle...everyone outside the gates will pry and scrutinize...leave here there, where everything will seem normal...then when she's old enough to venture outdoors in daylight, she can see that things are just as screwy outside as they are in. It will be her Rumpspringer (which I don't think I spelled correctly, but am too lazy to check).

Besides, Brangelina sold those photos of Shiloh and now, it's died down a bit about her and they can go about their day planning to save/adopt the world...This is just an evil plot of Mr. Cruise to try to milk this situation as long as he can so that when they time comes, he can cash in...But, I think by that time, interest will have died down. It's just going to be a short, spastic popcicle stick thing.

And while Shiloh Jolie-Pitt has already had a playdate with Kingston Stefani-Rossdale, I have a feeling three will be a crowd in babytown...

WTF?

Oh, bitches, you have waited long enough. I've been a lazy douche and not updated any of this in weeks. My apologies...

What to tell you? Hmm...

-Ashley Simpson's new face is totally hot. It doesnt, however, make me want to punch her in the face any less.
-Good ridance, Star Jones, you nasty self centered cunt! And don't think I dont know about the pound of bacon you ordered for lunch. Because I do. And so do you...
-Sandra Bernhard's show closed tonight. It's a sad day. It was a great run and it was great.
-Madonna's show, however, is still going. I saw it. I loved it. Her daughter was three rows in front of me and I thought about kidnapping her just to get Madonna's phone number. I didnt, though. I promise.
-Nicole Kidman got married. Yeah. Congrats...I guess they used rechargable batteries for her that day to make it through the wedding AND reception.
-L'il Kim is out! Finally. And she left prison with a hot weave and a little meat on her bones...she looks great and I can't wait for the Queen Bee to drop a new hot song...
-Justin Timberlake has declared he thinks he needs to 'change pop music'...I think maybe he should think about changing his razor blade because that nasty white trash scruff doesnt do a thing for him.
-Kathy Griffin is getting divorced for real this time. Seems her husband stole 72,000$ from her...I notice when someone has taken $7 from me, let alone 72K...no one notices this happening?
-Where is Whitney Houston?
-My wit is failing me....